Random drabbles of doom and pie!
by slinko
Summary: Join the FMA dudes as they step in moop poop, wear squid hats, turn into marshmellows, learn to read, run from killers, throw parties, dance with pandas in bikinis,and Eventually implode!
1. Rizas depression

Riza looked around. She suddenly felt very sad. She was just standing in Roys office when it happened.

Roy heard a sob. He turned around and saw Riza kneeling on the floor crying. He lifted an eyebrow.

" What's wrong?" He asked.

Riza did not reply. Instead she lied down on the floor and began to cry into the floor.

Roywalked over to her.

" Riza, What happened?" He asked again.

Riza did not answer. She turned around and began to cry into the corner.

Roy kneeled down next to her.

" Riza, Did you get hurt? What happened? Are you depressed?"

Riza cried into her hands.

" Roy, You just-you just wouldn't-wouldn't unders-stand!" She sobbed.

Roy frowned. Riza was acting very strange today. Roy suddenly relized something.

" It was Sesshoumaru wasn't it! Should I go shoot him?" He asked.

Riza sobbed even harded. " NOOOOO!" She cried.

Roy frowned. He really wanted to shoot someone right now...

" Riza, tell me what's wrong."

Riza sobbed and caught her breathe.

" Oh Roy, It's just that- It's just that" She began, but she was not able to finish.

Roy sighed.

At that moment, Kain walked in.

" Hiya colonel! Here are those papers I needed to fill out! I- whoooa! Not a good time!" he said as he walked out of the office quickly.

Riza began to hit the wall. Roy frowned. He had just gotten those walls retiled.

" Oh god! Roy, Shoot me! Shoot me!" She yelled.

Roy frowned. " Now now Riza, I'm sure it isn't that bad. " He said.

Riza screamed into the air. " It is Roy! It is! It's so terrible Roy! I just want to die! Please just kill me!" She begged.

Roy frowned. He attempted at calming Riza down.

" Riza, just tell me what's bothering you. I might be able to help!" He said.

Riza nodded. " Well Roy, It's just that..." Riza began to cry again.

" Riza come on! What's wrong?"

Riza calmed herself down enough to talk.

" Roy, oh god Roy. Slinko forced me to go through another terrible fanfic!" Riza yelled.

Roy gasped. He knew how that felt.

" There there Riza,I know how you feel. It happens to everyone." He said reasuringly.

Riza sighed. Slinko was so cruel to her sometimes.


	2. Fifty dollars

Havoc smiled and jammed another cigarette into his noise hole. He had just found a fifty dollar bill on the ground. He took out the dollar and smiled. wait a minute...what was that?Havoc examined the dollar closely. The word 'help' had been writen on the dollar in numerous locations. Havoc flipped the dollar over, the sentance ' help, help, kain has got me help..' was scribbled on as if someone was practiculy dying. At that moment, Havoc saw a red splotch near the corner of the dollar. How could he have missed this all before? Now that he looked at it...the dollar had lots of warnings about Kain and help and crap like that on it. Havoc frowned. He then decided to stay away from Kain fuery from now on.


	3. blown his cover

Kain smiled at Breda.

" Hi Breda." He said.

Breda frowned. Kain smelled to much like dogs...and blood...but mostly dogs...And worst of all...Kain was talking to him! What should he do? What what?

Breda took out his turkey sandwhich and offered it to Kain.

" I'll give you this sandwhich if you leave me alone."

Kain smiled and two pointy fangs showed. Kain immediatly frowned. He didn't want to blow his cover. So, he took the filthy sandwhich.

When Kain grabbed the snadwhich his eyes bugged out. His hand went numb and so did the rest of his body. Oh no! Breda had put GARLIC on his sandwhich! Kain knew perfectly well that garlic paralyzed a vampire for five minutes! Oh no! Ahhhh!

Breda looked at Kain whom was twitching slightly. Bredas eyes bugged out.

" VAMPIRE!" Breda screamed as he ran away waving his arms in the air.

Kain sighed. He had blown his cover.


	4. bad fanart

**Dislciamer; I own the blue rhino. Not fma. **

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Roy Mustang was walking down a hallway in centrel HQ. It was a relitivaly normal day. It had rained slightly at eleven, but that was all the wheather activity of the day. Roy glanced out a window as he walked by it. Roy in a dress. Normal, usual and...wait what?

Roy backtracked to the picture of him in a dress. It was clearly a fbad fanart. He just stood there, confused about this for a good five mintues. He then noticed a little button on the picture. He lifted an eyebrow and pressed the button. There was a short pause and then a speaker said,

_" Roy Mustang is dead sexy...in a miniskirt!"_

Roy blinked. WTF? WHAT? Roy got angry at this and burned the poster along with the speaker. Stupid fanart. Stupid fangirls. They had no taste. Edxroy? Honestly. Roy in a dress? Really. The things that people draw.


	5. hats? wtf?

Havoc calmly placed a pink squishy squid on the top of his head. He smiled. A fangirl told him that a squid on his head would attract more girls. Soon, everyone was wearing squids on their heads. Havoc had started a new trend. Even Riza wore one! Roy had a blue one. Ed had an orange one. Breada didn't have one. He was FRIGGIN SAD! Scar, had a GREEEN one with PURPLE pokko-dottos. Riza had a yellow one. Falman had a stupid looking one.Al had a grblleshrgh one. Breda couldn't afford a squid hat. Poor friggin breda. Breda had a BADGER HAT! BADGER HATS were SO over rated! They were popular back when kirby was a gangster! Breda was so saaaaaaaaad! boo friggin hoo! wa wa wa! Breda needed a squid hat desperatly! He didn't just NEED one...he WANTED one! Breda made up his mind. He decided to take up his hat, take up his sword, and go to wal-mart!  



	6. three things he loved

Barry the chopper loved to chop things up. He loved it more than anything in the world. There were only two things he loved more than anything else in the world.

1.) Chopping things up.

2.) Riza hawkeye.

Yessire. Barry the Chopper loved both of those. However, he had recently aquired a new taste. And for a man of few intrests, this was a very good thing. He had recently aquired a taste for anchovies. However, Barry the Chopper couldn't eat, as we all know. He personally had never tried them. But he just loved to walk up to random people and stuff a handful of anchovies in their mouths! They puked and screamed at the salty sea taste! It was hilarious! Yessire, Barry the Chopper had three things in life that he loved.

1.)Chopping things up.

2.) Riza hawkeye.

3.) Anchovies.


	7. Mcjagger, pandas, and a big huge party

Roy Mustang was sitting in his office being incredibly unentertained. He needed entertainment. There was no doubt about it. Roy opened up his desk and pressed a fmailiar green button.

At once, a disco ball came out of the ceiling, a jaccuzzi sprouted, Pandas in bikinis marhed out from underneath Roys desk, and his desk turned into a bar. Roy thought for a moment. This party was missing something...but what? What?

Music! And Riza hawkeye! And a sacrificed goat! And Oprah Winfrey! Roy rubbed his hands together happily. Roy pressed a button on the bar and many things appeared. Among these things, where Riza Hawkeye, Oprah Winfrey, The rolling stones, and everyone else in the military. Everyone looked around confused. Nobody knew how they had gotten here. Everyone was silent for a moment and then...

"LETS CHEESE IT!" shouted Mcjagger. Everyone yelled with agreement and they all began to boogie!

Roy Mustang smiled. Lfe sure could be fun.


	8. Whisky

Vato falman satred at Roy Mustang. Roy was acting very...strange lately. He was also clenching an empty bottle of whisky in his left hand. Ah. That explained it.

"Um...sir? Are you um..feeling okay?" asked the V-man. Roy laughed.

" O. K.! What does the O stand for? Orangutan? Orphan? Oops? Hahahahaha!" laughed Roy taking out another bottle of whisky from his desk. Falman frowned. What was UP with him?

" Ya know...I always thought that you looked like an older from of whats-his-face over there! Ya know, the one that smokes? What his name again?" said Roy, as he drank somemore whisky, making himself incresingly drunker.

" Um...Colonel? Maybe you should stop drinking that whisky." Vato offered. Roy laughed.

" Nonsense vato m'lad! Your name reminds me of pickles! ahahahahah..." said Roy. And then, he passed out. Falman sighed. Stupid moron. Getting himself drunk when he's supposed to be working. Hmm..actually..that whisky looked pretty good...hmmmm...Falman WAS pretty thirsty...hmmm...


	9. Run for your life! It's a maniac!

**Disclaimer: "But santa clause still lives on in our hearts and minds right?"**

**"Ha ha. No, He lives in space! gathering power! And every year at christmas he comes back for revenge!"**

**(The clock rings)**

**" Look kids! Santas here! Raise the sheilds!" **

**(A sheild raises around city as a giant santa attacks)**

**I don't own fma and yes I am perfectly sane.**

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Colonel Roy Musatng, flame alchemist, hero of the ishballian war...ran for his life. The maniac was still on his trail. Roy glanced behind him. OMG! The maniac was holding five blades, two axes, 8 swords, and one sandwhich! ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Roy looked around for an exit. Nothing! The maniac was gaining on him! All Roy did was call him wacky! What was wrong with THAT! Ok so maybe that WAS a LITTLE rude...but stil! This maniac didn't have to KILL him for it! Roy tripped over a cottage cheese container. Nooo! The maniac ran up to him.

" Hello. My name is Johnny, But you can call me Nny. If you get the chance...Which you won't." Said The maniac, and he satbbed Roy hundreds of times in the chest.


	10. It

**disclaimer: I have been threatened with cheese doodles. And i don't own anything. OR DO I?**

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There was no doubt about it. Nope. None at all. Everyone in the military believed it. Even Edward was convinced. Yup. Nobody doubted it for a second. Riza believed and roy believed and Al believed and vato believed and havoc ate squid AND he believed. Yessrie. There was absoulutly no doubting it. No doubt at all. It was all true. Nothing about it was a lie. 100 percent truth. Until one day, the fuhrer came in.

"Everbody! Stop talking about it! It's getting on my nerves!" He yelled. Everyone frowned. They liked talking about it.

"But sir, it's true." Said Kain. Pride scowled.

"I know it's true but it's overrated so shut up and get back to work!" he bellowed.


	11. I need a life

Roy Mustang was cool. He was known for his coolness all around the world. Edward thought he was a bastard, but that's okay because nobody listened to Edward anyways. Nope. Except for Al. But Al was to busy being talked at by naomi. So anyways, Roy was so cool that he could move mountains, lift buildings, and eat twenty anchovies in one bite. One day, havoc asked Roy Mustang a question.

"Sir, why are you so damn cool?" he asked.

Roy didn't respond. He couldn't. He had been killed by Nny in a previous chapter. Oh well.


	12. Friggen marshmellows!

Edward Elric was walking around one day. He liked walking around. He was grateful that automail was invented. Otherwise, he wouldn't be ABLE to walk around. But that's beside the point. Edward was walking around centrel HQ when he ran into some insane freak.

"WOULDN'T IT BE AWESOME IF I WAS MADE OF FRIGGIN MARSHMELLOWS?.!" the person spazzed. Edward thought about this for a second.

"Yeah. That would be pretty cool. Ya want me to turn you into friggin marshmellows?" he asked. The person smiled.

"Okay! Sure! That'd be awesome!" they said. Edward smiled.

"Okay!" He said, and he clapped his hands, placed them on the ground, and transmuted the person into marshmellows.

I liiike marshmellows.


	13. moop poop

**disclaimer: hey harriet, if you're reading this then stop and GO UPDATE BALD EAGLE! **

**I own nothing. Not even a moose.**

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Trisha elric loved Ed and Al more than anything (except for, of course, cheese). And whenever she heard a scream from outside, you bet she ran out there as quick as she could! 

"AAAAAHHHH!" screamed Ed from outside. Trishas eyes widened. Oh no. Did he break his leg? Or fall out of a tree? Or get bitten by a snack?.! Trisha rushed outside to see what was the matter. What she saw, was not what she was expecting. Ed was hopping on one foot and he appeared to be trying to see the bottom of the foot that was in the air. Al was running around in circles yelling stuff like "Ew! Gross!"

Trisha walked over to ed.

"Ed? What's the matter?" She asked. Ed looked at her with sad eyes.

"I think I stepped in Moop poop." He whined. Trisha sighed.

"Moop poop is just a part of life." She said. Ed looked sad. Al nodded in agreement.

"Yeah Ed. Stuff like that happens." Al said.

"What happens?" Ed asked.

"Shit happens." Said Al. Trisha was shocked to hear young alphonse say the word shit. She punished him by forcing him to clean up ALL the moop poop.

The end!

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**I know that was a little long to be considered a drabble, but so was chapter one so SHUT UP!!!**


	14. plots are overrated

**

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Havoc walked over to Edward. Edward looked at Havoc. Havoc looked at Edward.

"Jean."

"Yes edward?"

"It's raining outside.."

"I can see that, Edward."

"What a pity."

"Rather." said havoc, and he walked away. Roy then walked over to Edward.

"Hello readers," said roy, "I am Roy Mustang, colonel of the military, Flame alchemist."

"And I am Edward Elric, I am also in the military, I am the Fullmetel alchemist."

Just then, Kain walked over.

"Why, hello Roy. Hello Edward." Kain said.

"Oh hello Kain. Lovely to see you here." Said Roy Mustang.

" Lovely to see you as well." Said Kain Fuery.

" I'm just glad that everything is always so very lovely." said Edward Elric.

And Kain Fuery, Roy Mustang, and Edward Elric all laughed. They then walked away to go do other important things.

The End


	15. hair?

Edward looked at his braid. He frowned. Roy had called it girly. He sighed. It wasn't THAT girly was it? Ed started to think about that. Then, he began to think about hair in general. Both Al and him had so called 'girly' hair and his father also had 'girly' hair. Envys hair was probably 100 plam tree leaves and roys hair had WAY to much hair gel in it. Ed thought about havoc and bredas hair. He shuddered. He was pretty damn sure that havocs hair was just a guinea pig taped to his head. Not to mention, he thought that bredas hair was just a pancake on the top of his head. Ed shuddered. Hair sure was wierd.


	16. Maria, Denny, and blah

Maria Ross and Denny brosh were sneaking around centrel. You see, they didn't want to be noticed by_ him._ If he saw them...they would become victims. He had already vicitmized everyone else at centrel. They were the only two left. Denny and maria both ran into a room and hid there.

"Do you think he'll find us?" asked denny. Maria shook her head.

"I don't know. I just don't know." she responded. They talked for a while, until they heard the doorknob turn. They both froze and looked at the door. The knob slowly turned and...

ARMSTRONG BURST IN!

"NOOOOO!" screamed maria and denny at the same time. Armstrong ran over to them.

"why, HELLO! Such a PLEASURE to see you! I'm glad i found you! Of course, it's no wonder that i found you. I mean, after all, finding lost items is a skill that's been passed down for generations and generations in the armstrong family and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah" armstrong ranted.

Denny and maria looked at eachother. They both nodded. Maria and Denny got ready and...

BANG BANG! AAAAGGHHH! WUMP! YAY!

The next thing armstrong knew, he had two bullets in his brain. He screamed and fell to the floor. Denny and maria cheered. They then ate his liver.


	17. Read every day!

Edward was walking around centrel HQ, when all of a sudden, roy walked over. Roy had a piece of paper in his hands.

"What's this?" he asked. Edward looked at it.

"Your paycheck." Ed replied.

"Oh." said Roy. Ed lifted an eyebrow.

"Why did you have to ask me?" he asked. Roy looked at his shoes .

"Well...i...um...well...i...I can't...I can't...read..."Roy admitted. Ed patted hij on the shoulder.

"It's okay Roy. I feel your pain. I can teach you to read!" Ed exclaimed.

"REALLY? Oh thank you so much Edward! Thank you thank you thank you!"

"Shut up and lets go to the library." Edward said. And they walked off into the sunset. Until they exploded.


	18. Gravy

Disclaimer: I am a zebra.

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**Anyways**, so Breda was walking around in the grocery store when he walked past the section of the store that he feared the most.

_The gravy section_...

Bredas eye twitched and he tried to ignore the gravy, but the temptation was to strong! He tried to walk away, but in the end he was standing there staring at the jars and jars of Gravy! (jarred Gravy?)

Breda winced. He couldn't take much more of this torture. Oh, how he wanted to just attack the gravy and throw it everywhere and eat it all and stuff!

And then, Breda exploded. But not literally. He screamed and jumped at the wall of Gravy bottles. He smashed several of them onto the floor, threw several at people, and ate the rest. Twenty minutes later, Heymans Breda was arrested for Gravy abuse.


	19. frog

** I am so-far, unentertained by the thought of mear giraffes.

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**Ed and al were walking around one day when they ran into a frog. The frog was small and green, but there are no suprises there.

"Hey Al, look it's a frog!" Ed exclaimed excitendly. Al looked down at it.

"yeah...what do you wanna do with it?" he asked. Ed rubbed his chin and smirked.

" I know just what to do..."

Ten seconds later, Ed and Al were throwing an innocent frog up and down in the air. The frog was screaming, the elrics were laughing.

"You guys suck!" the frog screamed.

And ed and al just laughed...

and laughed...

and laughed...


	20. chocolate'

Ed was walking around centrel HQ as always. Yup. Just walkin. When all of a sudden HisokaYukiko ran up to him!

"Hey!" She said ," Turn me into a chocolate bar!!"

Ed frowned. haden't he just finsihed turning someone into friggin' marshmellows? Why did this person want to be food as well? Eh. oh well. Nothing makes sense these days anyways.

Ed shrugged.

"Sure. Why not." he said and he placed his hands on the ground, and transmuted HisokaYukiko into a chocolate bar.

Hisoka stood up and looked around.

"SWEET! I'M CHOCOLATE! I'M CHOCOLATE AND I'M-" she screamed, but she was inturrupted by Jean Havoc.

"Oh hey. a chocolate bar. I didn't eat lunch." said havoc.

And he ate her.


End file.
